Simpsons Movie 2: Pregnant 90X
by StupidSequel
Summary: During the grand opening of a new amusement park, an accident on the roller coaster serves as a wake up call for Springfield to pass laws designed to fight obesity, including requiring everyone to use P90X. Somehow every male believes they're pregnant and they're fine with a law to ban sleep. Bart isn't so happy with the law when he finds out he has to have wisdom teeth taken out.


**The Simpsons Movie 2: Pregnant 90X**

(AN: I had previously written a fanfic called 'The Simpsons Movie 2,' but I think this one is more my style. I dare you to try to write a Simpsons fanfic with more drivel than this. You cannot do it!) This fanfic was inspired by the Family Guy episode where Peter rode the Holocaust roller coaster, the South Park episode 'Hate Crime 2000' and Nightmare on Elm Street, and probably a few other things I can't think of right now.

The Simpsons family was watching TV. They were watching a news story about the grand opening of a new amusement park in Springfield, called Six Flags over Springfield, which would be this weekend! One of their marquee rides was a roller coaster made entirely of glass, which was a world's first. The roller coaster's name was '9/11: the Ride.' Part of the theming includes two towers, which the track goes through, complete with pyro technics.

"Oh cool! I wanna ride that! It would be cool to ride the world's first glass coaster!" Bart did an eye pop.

Homer and Marge took the kids on a trip to ride 9/11: the Ride. It was pretty fun for a roller coaster made of glass.

"I wanna go on it again! 9/11 is fun!" Bart squealed. "Oh man, I just realized how messed up that would sound outside of context."

They went back in line.

Meanwhile, Barney was visiting Moe in prison. He took some cigarettes out of his butt. "Here you go. Some cigarettes for you to smoke."

"Thank you, Barney. " Moe cried.

"Just out of curiosity, what are you guys in here for?" Barney was curious.

"Arson," inmate 1's reply.

"Murder," inmate 2's reply.

"Jaywalking," Moe's reply. "Oh, and listen: I would appreciate it if you would go into Six Flags over Springfield and sneak their new ride '9/11: the Ride' up your ass and smuggle it into my prison cell, so I am not bored to death every single day."

Back at the amusement park…

"Gosh, this line is so full of fat people. No wonder it's so slow!" Bart slightly raised his voice in frustration.

During the ride, Bart and Lisa were surrounded by fat people such that on the chain lift hill, the track bowed downward and gave way, causing a domino effect, making the entire coaster collapse. Some people on the park midway were showered with glass shards. There was a Wilhelm scream. Barney entered the ride area and had a look of disappointment on his face. He then began to scoop up all the glass shards and put them up his asshole. It took a very long time. He also put the twin tower theming up inside his asshole. Then he walked away. Everyone carried on. Somehow the riders survived unscathed.

Barney visited Moe in prison again.

"I got that new 9/11 themed roller coaster up my ass, so now you can ride the first ever roller coaster made entirely of glass. However, there is one major catch." When Barney crapped out the huge glass behemoth, it was nothing more than a huge pile of glass shards in addition to ¼ scale replicas of the twin towers. "I'll need lots of duct tape." Moe had an angered look on his face.

"I CANNOT RIDE IT IN THIS STATE! GET OUT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO VISIT ME IN PRISON EVER AGAIN!" For emphasis, Moe threw a glass ball at Barney's head. Think snowball, but made of glass shards instead of snow.

Barney went back home and went to the bathroom. He saw that there was blood in the toilet.

"Yay, I got my period," he said.

The day after this all transpired, there was a news story about Springfield being the fattest city in the United States.

"Good God! Now we're the laughing stock of the state of ****!" Homer grumbled (that part is a sound effect bleep).

"Homer, we agreed never to reveal what state we live in," Marge scolded.

"Beginning May 30th, 2012, a new law will go into effect requiring everyone in Springfield to get a set of P-90X DVD's to lose weight," Kent Brockman reported. "The collapse of the new 9/11 ride was a huge wake up call. In addition, some military personnel will use giant helicopters to put another huge dome over Springfield akin to the one that they put over Springfield summer five years ago. This is to prevent the fatness from spreading into other cities in the state of ****."

The phone rang. Homer picked it up. It was Barney.

"Hiya Homer. Whenever I poop, I'm not bleeding anymore. This must mean that I no longer have my period, and if I no longer have my period, then this must mean I'm pregnant! I'm having a baby!" Homer was gullible enough to believe him.

"Good for you!"

"Since I know that men can get pregnant now, you might want to give that P-90X a try, and if the weight doesn't come right off, then you know you're pregnant." Barney continued.

Homer got a P-90X DVD set and was doing the intense workouts day after day. He ignored the nutrition guide and ate whatever shit he wanted.

After 90 days, Homer was at work, enjoying a donut burger. He saw that his beer belly bulge was still there. Excited, he called Marge.

"Guess what, Marge! We're having another kid! I'm pregnant." Homer couldn't see it, but she did a face palm. She played along.

"I'm so excited too!" Marge squealed. Bart and Lisa were puzzled.

"What's this about?" Bart and Lisa asked. Marge wasn't sure what to tell them.

"I have AIDS." She said. Oops! That wasn't what she meant to say. Bart and Lisa stared wide eyed.

The next day Bart and Milhouse went to the comic book store.

"Do you have the issue where Green Lantern has to stop Hannah Montana from using the power ring he sold on eBay to destroy the music industry?"

"No, but guess what? I'm pregnant! I knew there must have been a reason that I wasn't losing any weight from that P-90X workout program." Bart and Milhouse looked confuzzled, but they walked out with the Green Lantern comic with Hannah Montana buying the power ring from eBay. Chief Wiggum stopped them.

"I did not lose any weight from P-90X, so that means I'm pregnant. And my son Ralph is also pregnant." He looked at Bart's belly.

"Your belly is starting to look like that of your old man. You'd better do some P-90X workouts to find out whether you're fat or pregnant."

That day at school, the school lunch served breaded pork patties. Lisa was in line with them.

"Hello, there, children. How's it going? You'd better enjoy your last taste of good meat cause I hear rumors going around that fat will soon be outlawed." Doris said in a manner exactly like chef from South Park. Lisa didn't know whether to be sad or excited.

"I am curious to find out what meat tastes like, since all my life I've been good, but now." A pork patty landed on Lisa's trey. She bit into it. Her tongue sang with the flavors of the forest.

"If I ever experience an orgasm, it will not compare to this! I have been missing out on so much by being a vegetarian!" She went back in line and had another pork patty. And another. And another. And… you get the idea.

Knowledge spreads like wildfire, and eventually almost every fat person in town believed they were pregnant, including the males.

The next day, Homer was shopping at the Kwik E. Mart and noticed there were no more hot dogs. The shelves were all filled with extra times 42 lean bacon, celery and broccoli.

"Where can I find some good tasting meat?" Homer wailed.

"I'm sorry mister Homer, but you won't find any foods with more than zero grams of fat anywhere in Springfield."

"Then me and my family are moving!" Homer said thru gritted teeth.

When he walked outside the Kwik E. Mart, he saw that it would have been too late. There was a dome surrounding Springfield, just like in the first Simpsons movie.

"GOD DAMMIT!" Homer yelled while stomping his foot strong enough to punch a hole in the concrete.

Back at home, Lisa was jittery. Underneath her eyes were dark enough to suck in all the light around her like a black hole, and her skin was all wrinkly. Her hair was falling out, and she looked like she hadn't slept at all in about seven weeks.

"I NEED MEAT! I ate meat for the first time in my life. It was BETTER THAN SEX! Fuck the government for banning anything with any amount of fat! I NEED IT TO SLEEP!"

That night she took the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and went over to Barney's house. "Liposuction surgery is so easy a blind 5 year old could do it." Lisa remarked with a slight chuckle. She stuck the vacuum cleaner nozzle into Barney's mouth and turned it on the highest setting. Yes, it was sucking up all his fat, that much was true. But she was also making a huge mistake: the vacuum cleaner was also sucking out all his entrails, bones, and vital organs in addition. "Whew! At least I didn't wake him up," Lisa sighed with relief. She looked inside the vacuum cleaner bag. It was a jumbled mess of blood, guts, body fat, and bones, and Barney now looked like a skin carpet lying on the couch. "I'm a smart gal, I can do this." She got out a thigh bone, a bicep, and a couple of vertebrae. She tried to snap them together like Lego pieces. They wouldn't. "Maybe this isn't gonna be so easy after all."

She snuck into Springfield High School, stole an anatomy textbook, and studied it closely. She put back Barney's innards and skeleton according to the various diagrams of the human body, and duct taped them into position. She needed to work super fast in case he would wake up before she was done. Sometimes she would need to use a steak knife to make incisions to make putting back his innards a tad easier, and then sew them closed so he would not notice.

Barney woke up. Lisa froze in terror.

"What the? Why am I flat all of a sudden?" Barney was confuzzled. Lisa had to improvise.

"You're still dreaming." Lisa told him. Barney believed her and went back to sleep. Lisa sighed with relief.

Lisa was able to accomplish her mission before Barney could wake up again, taking her vacuum cleaner with her, which still had all the body fat in it.

When the sun rose the next day, Lisa could actually have a good tasting BLT. The extra (42 extras) lean bacon tasted worse than flat gasoline. She spread Barney's body fat over the bacon and ate it. There was enough Barney fat inside the vacuum cleaner to last a long while, since it was established that she would rather starve than eat lean meat.

"Where did you get all that lard?" Bart asked excitedly.

"From doing liposuction surgery on Barney. You know, since fatty meats are banned, and this whole city is fat, I might as well do this with every fat person in Springfield."

"I don't believe in body fat." Bart insisted. "I'm pregnant. So is dad. And Chief Wiggum. And comic book guy. Heck, this whole city just might double in population soon enough."

Barney woke up. "I'm no longer pregnant. But where is my baby?" He looked all over the house. Nothing. "Oh my God, I didn't! I really hope I didn't get an abortion in my sleep. I'm going to give the mayor a piece of my mind."

Lisa used the vacuum cleaner to do liposuction on Homer, comic book guy, rich Texan, Hans Moleman, and every other fat person in Springfield, while they were asleep, careful not to suck out their insides along with their body fat (most of them, anyway). When she was vacuuming up Hans Moleman's fat, she accidentally sucked out his insides, killing him. But no one cares about Hans Moleman, so it's okay.

"I'm no longer fat. This means I'm no longer pregnant! Therefore, this must mean I had an abortion in my sleep!" Homer cried. "I gotta write the mayor a letter demanding him to make sleeping illegal so that none of us can ever have abortions in our sleep." They heard a knock on the door. It was Barney.

"Hiya Homer. This is a petition urging the city government to issue a ban on sleep so that no one can ever have an abortion in their sleep." Lisa gulped. She couldn't tell the truth because she might get grounded from any kind of intellectual stimulant, or worse, having good tasting meat. Homer signed the petition. The petition already had more signatures than the petition to stop SOPA/PIPA.

When the petition reached Mayor Quimby's desk, Quimby read it, chuckling. "Men don't get pregnant. You know that."

"Oh yeah? I think those 45 million plus signatures beg to differ," said Barney.

"Point taken. It is officially the law of the land now that sleep is illegal. Anyone caught sleeping will be executed."

The male citizens of Springfield rejoiced at the new law that was passed banning all sleep because now getting an abortion in one's sleep was impossible. Everyone drank nothing but coffee all the time. Old Gil yawned.

"I'm so tired." He fell asleep on a park bench.

"Someone fell asleep. I must kill them," someone with a disfigured, burned looking face and long, claw like fingernails, and wearing a hat said. Yes, it's Freddy Krueger. He invaded Old Gil's dream and cut him down to size. Literally. Old Gil was dead now. But nobody cares about Old Gil, so it's okay.

"Ow, I have a tooth ache," Bart complained. "It hurts worse than when I dislocated my shoulder during Lisa's babysitting ordeal."

Marge took Bart to the dentist and got some x-rays.

"I'm sorry Bart, but those wisdom teeth have to come out, and the only way we can do that is if we surgically remove them. But since anesthesia makes you sleep, and sleeping has been banned, you have to deal with the pain of the wisdom teeth growing in, unless you're fine with oral surgeons randomly cutting up your mouth while you're fully conscious."

"But I'm only ten years old. I'm too young to have wisdom teeth. "

"Well, considering how long you've been ten, I think those wisdom teeth have gotten impatient by now."

When Lisa found out about Bart's revelation, she had to choose between telling the truth, and letting her evil brother's wisdom teeth push apart his other teeth. It was quite tough. She had to flip a coin. Her brother's future hung in the balance. _Heads, I tell the truth about using everyones' body fat to make the extra lean meat taste good. Tails, I don't, and let Bart suffer. _Lisa tossed the coin. It came up heads. She then remembered the cruise that Bart ruined by trying to make it last forever.

_Aw, screw it! He needs to learn his lesson after the time he wanted to make the cruise last forever._ So yeah, the coin flip was pointless if she was just gonna decide that anyway.

Bart's wisdom teeth finally grew in fully, and with no one in town ever falling asleep again, not even for surgery, Freddy Krueger figured his life had no more purpose if he could only kill people in their sleep, so he suicided. With the news of Freddy Krueger's suicide, people decided to fall asleep surrounded by mouse traps in case they did anything unusual in their sleep.


End file.
